Paul has gone back to work properly this week, the Bigs are at school and Niamh and I have taken some time out of our normal routine. We are deep cleaning the house, and if I'm honest, I'm avoiding life. I'm avoiding all the things we would normally fill our time with. This is a good and positive thing and it's what I need to do right now.
As I have mentioned, I am struggling with my fear of the operation and my recovery, but really, since having the news from the consultant I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I had been treating myself like a melodramatic school child, convinced that there was nothing wrong with me, I have pushed and pushed myself to remain active and 'normal' and now I feel like I have permission to admit if I am in pain or if I want to go to bed early, or if I need to make some changes to our daily routine.
Because Paul works so far away, I am on my own with the kidlets from 6am til 7pm and because of how things currently are, the kidlets and I have changed many little things, but principly our morning school routine. I can't push the pushchair right now, without suffering later, so Niamh is walking there and back twice a day - except in case of emergency. We are all really enjoying it! The bigs are being super helpful, we are being super organised (I am not trying to do a million jobs before the school run) and by leaving the house earlier, everyone is less stressed, we are all able to walk together and talk (Shock horror!) rather then being late and frog marching ourselves up to school. Even this morning, in the pouring rain, we all donned our waterproofs, wellies and left with plenty of time to spare and enjoyed a walk to school.
There is one really valuable lesson right there - I enjoy my children's company, I enjoy walking with them and talking to them - I had forgotten this!! It is so easy to get stuck in the humdrum inevitable-ness that is a routine (the school run is just one example) that you can forget that some situations are only stressful because you make them like that. I am so lucky, I don't have anywhere to be, so why was I flying around before school like a woman on a mission to complete an entire days tasks before 8.30am?
Another lesson. I realllllllly want to job the I was offered and accepted just a couple of weeks ago. I thought I wanted a job to put some extra cash in my pocket, but actually, I was excited about the job in general. The new store, the new team, the new experience, the change in my routine.
The irony of staying at home for 5 years, and then within weeks of finding a job, needing surgery 2 days after my start date, is not lost on me!
I will admit I put off ringing them. What a cringey phone call!! Go with bright and breezy Sarah! Be enthusiastic and keen! 'Hi there! You offered me a job and I accepted last week? Weeeelllll... I can't start for 8 weeks.... But please let me assure you that I definitely want the job, I am a quick learner and I am confident that I can learn on the job...' Gah! It was a hideous phone call, and it didn't go as positively as I would have liked. I rang them back this morning, after hearing nothing for 48hrs and it felt a bit more positive... Come on guys! I'm a keeper, let me start in May, you know you want me! You know you need me!
I am thrilled to realise that I am looking forward to getting back to it. I am aware its going to be tough - recovery notwithstanding, just starting the C25K again is going to be killer both mentally and physically, but I am looking forward to it. Each achievement will have double the meaning going forward, a step in the right direction, a step towards where I was, but more importantly, a step towards where I know I want to be.
I feel like I am coming out of my fugg of self pity Clanettes, and
realising that the world is still my oyster, I am losing nothing by
having surgery. I have the world to gain and I am excited x x